A Broken Faith
by Eddiesphotos
Summary: This is a fanfic I wrote on twitlonger and posted through twitter, but it got complicated finding and posting links all the time for people so decided to repost all the chapters on here so it's easier for my readers to read them :) oh and it's an Ed Sheeran related fanfic for the sheerios out there 3 big love
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

Here I am again. Sat in Nando's with all my not-single best friends, celebrating Amy's recent engagement. Why am I the one who can't seam to hold down a relationship? Is there something wrong with me? Something men don't like? Is is because I'm not perfectly tanned with beach blonde hair and big boobs? Or is it my personality? Am I really that bad?

I suddenly became aware that Amy was trying to talk to me. How long had I been stuck in this depressing mind loop.

'...well?!'

I didn't even know what the conversation was about, let alone what Amy had asked me.

'well what?'

'Did you even hear what I said to you? I mean the whole reason we're here is to discuss my wedding! I know it's hard for you being single for this long, but for all you know he...'

He could walk into the room in a minute.. I'd heard it all before, too many times. I didn't believe I would ever find love now, doomed to walk the earth alone for eternity.

I say I'd never find love now, little did my friends know, I'd already found love and lost it.. I could never deal with that pain again.. it would kill me.

Just like the way his eyes the harsh colour of ice but still capable of looking warm and comforting like home, and his hair a fiery crown on his head that would stand in all directions, his smile and the way his whole face would light up when he looked at me and caught me eye, all just a distant memory that haunts me everytime I close my eyes.

How could it possibly still hurt this much after all these years...


	2. Chapter 2

A Broken Faith: Chapter 2

It was December 31st 2007, New Years Eve. I was at home alone, my mum and dad had gone to their friends party, I'd stayed at home and was curled up the sofa watching a film when I heard a knock on the door, I wasn't expecting anyone today. I felt my phone buzz next me and read the message.

'come outside x' I was positive I'd never seen the number before. Confused I went to see who was at the door.

I was surprised to see Ed there, he was one of my best friends, but was supposed to be at his 'girlfriend' Alice's party tonight, everyone was there, that's why I had chosen not to go. I couldn't stand her bitchiness. The way she glared at me when I was near Ed, she didn't even like him, she just knew that I liked him, had always liked him, not that he'd ever noticed the way I blushed when he moved my hair out of my eyes, the way I trusted him so completely, the way I could tell him everything. She only wanted him because I did and she rubbed it in my face everyday that she had him. They'd been dating for 2 months now. I hadn't properly talked to him since then. I'd missed him so much.

'Hey,' he said it so casually as if we hadn't be gradually drifting apart for the last 2 months, he was one of them now. The popular group.

'how've you been?' I felt hurt that he would talk so casually as of he'd only been away for the weekend. Didn't he realise how much I'd missed him being there for me when my dad goes off on one of his drunken adventures.

'Okay, I suppose, what are you doing here?' I felt so many emotions run through me in that one sentence, hurt, sad, angry, alone, jealous, scared, vulnerable and confused. Why was he here, on my door step for the first time in 2 months, and why tonight on new years eve?

'I wanted to give you your Christmas present, your still my best friend you know, I would have given you it sooner but Alice...' he looked upset. 'can I come in, I need to talk to you'

I suddenly felt like such a bitch, how could I have been so pathetic, he was my best friend, and he needed a friend right now. He looked like his was going to cry, I couldn't say no, I wanted to see him, no needed to. Even if if was for my own sad reasons.

'yeah you best come in, I'll make us a coffee...'

I woke from the dream with tears pouring down my face, it's been five years, I'm not a silly naive 16 year old anymore, and neither is Ed, he's grown up and moved so why can't I?


	3. Chapter 3

A Broken Faith: Chapter 3

'I'm so sorry I've not been there for you the last couple of month, I'm a horrible best friend, you deserve better, forgive me?' he looked so young, like a child that's lost their comfort blankie. 'I just need to talk to someone who I know listens to me, you were always there for me when I needed you. I know I've been ignoring you lately and I completely sold you out, and for what?'

I could feel the pain he was in, but for once I didn't feel like I knew how to comfort him. I always knew how to cheer MY Ed up but this person who I was talking to was a stranger to me. He'd hurt me in ways he could never imagine, I could never do that to him.

I realised I'd never said anything to him and he was looking at me, nervously.

'it's okay, you didn't mean I hurt me' I knew the lie fell flat, so I changed to subject. 'so why don't you tell me what happened?' the smile on my face couldn't have felt more wrong.

He looked unsure as he started talking, as if he could still read my expressions and knew I didn't want to talk about it. 'well it started off good, we'd go everywhere together and talk about things like we did,' like we did, that stung, 'but then she changed, she started telling me that I needed to start wearing smarter clothes when we went out, who I could and couldn't be friends with...' he look me straight in the eye causing a fluttering in my belly I hadn't felt for over 2 months. 'where I could and couldn't go, she even made me change my number so you couldn't text or call me. She deleted your number from my phone but she couldn't delete it from my mind! I didn't like it, I didn't like not being able to see you, to talk to you. I felt so lonely. Thats why I left early tonight, I hate the way she flirts with other lads right in front of me when I'm not even allowed to see my best friend in the whole world. I told her I wasn't feeling well and said I was off home, then I came here, I knew, I knew I could talk to you anytime. Could. Then the way she treated you, like you had something contagious. I felt so bad! She wouldn't listen to me, it's like she was just doing it to spite you, but she'd never tell me what happened between you, you used to be such good friends.. ' I could believe how horrible it all sounded, how could she hurt him so deliberately just to get back at me?! What was wrong with this girl!

He was looking at me expectantly, I couldn't go in to it 'I can't tell you Ed not now. I'm sorry' I sighed, it made me feel so tired to close myself off from him, to not tell him things, we used to share everything with each other, but this was one secret I could tell. I couldn't do that to Alice, no matter how much I hated her.

'okay' he looked submissive, what had she being doing to him? He used to be able to get anything out of me and stand up for himself, this replacement had completely given up without even trying for an answer, she had broken him and it looked as though I was going to have to fix him.

I woke up to the sound of my 4 year olds cries, I couldn't keep doing this..


	4. Chapter 4

A Broken Faith: Chapter 4

It was 5 years tomorrow since he left, the dreams were becoming stronger, each day getting longer and more painful to live through. It was getting to the point that I couldn't even remember doing most things, one moment I'd be laid in bed, the next dropping my daughter off at play group, then just sat on the sofa staring into space, while hours pass. I wasn't coping well.

I knew my mum and dad were worried about me. They constantly watch me stumbling round the house, even the simplest tasks like packing Maisy's lunchbox felt like a fight for life. I loved her so much, she was my life, I'd do anything for her to make her happy, to make sure she couldn't see my suffering. I'd give her anything and everything she needs to help her in life. Except her dad. He doesn't even know she exists. He left before I even knew myself.

*Ed had been at my house for 3 hours now, it was 5 to midnight, we were watching the news and waiting for the countdown to the New Year and the firework display, I loved fireworks, the way they would light up the sky with hundreds of tiny stars in all colours of the rainbow, Ed was my firework, he would light up my life with his beautiful lyrics and songs. I knew he would be a big star someday, he never believed in himself though.

We'd been talking all night and it was almost like we had been before. I'd managed to make him see how much he'd changed, and that he'd been perfect before, he had agreed it was for the best. Besides there was only a few weeks left at school, it was the run up to our exams now. We were both expected to get good grades.

I couldn't wait to leave. I felt Ed's eyes on the side of my face so I looked at him, 'what's up?' I felt self conscious and nervous, even though I knew he'd never like me in the same way as I liked him, he liked me as a friend and nothing more.

'nothing,' he smiled at me but turned back to the screen, the 60 second countdown was just beginning, I never though I'd be sat alone with Ed to welcome in the New Year. I was nervous, we're we gunna sing Auld Lang Syne together? Do I even know the words?!

Last 20 seconds of the countdown!

Oh my god! I was stressing out, I felt so stupid, he was here as a friend.

10 seconds!

I could feel Eds eyes searching my face, I tried to control my breathing.

5 seconds!

Ed cleared his throat which made me look at him, his beautiful blue eyes were searching mine for something, I stayed locked in his gaze, and couldn't form a coherent thought.

3.. Ed moved closer to me

2.. I could feel he breath against my face, his hand caressed the side of my face, before moving a lock of my long mahogany hair behind my ear.

1.. His lips touched mine..

We kissed for about 3 long magical seconds before he pulled away, he was waiting for my reaction. I moved forward and kissed him back, time seemed to stand still, the only things that matter was his body pressed against mine, the way his smell crept into my every thought, my senses were over powered with the taste of his lips. Suddenly my phone buzzed, I jumped up to get it, I felt wrong pulling away from ed.

'hiya love it's mum, we're on our way home now so see youu sooooo xxx'

I could tell she'd been drinking, she was always in such a jolly mood. I looked at the clock and realised that it was half 1 in the morning. How long had we been curled on the sofa? I hated to do it but I had to kick him out before they got back. We'd kissed on my doorstep for what could have been an eternity before he finally set off up the street, I'd never been so happy, didn't know I could be.

When I went back into the kitchen I realised the present ed had brought me, I'd never opened it. It was an orange box, my favourite colour with a black silk ribbon tied in a bow around it. It looked so delicate. I carefully untied the big bow and eased off the lid. Inside there were 2 items. The first a simple silver twisted chain, with a small silver paw print charm hanging off it. His favourite symbol. One of the unique pieces of jewellery his mum made, my second mum, I'd always admired her craft skills. The second, a brand new shiny disc. Eds smooth handwriting had left the black title.. The Orange Room.

A note stuck to the hard shiny plastic case holding the disc read;

'an album I wrote through the past 2 month, you were my inspiration, you will always be my inspiration  
Love from Ed x'

I fell asleep to the sound of 16 year old Ed singing I Love You'*

I wept as the memory finished playing in my head, and I fought to catch my breath while sobs ripped apart my insides, leaving me gasping. The hole where my heart was supposed to be beating felt unusually painful like it was trying to split my torso in half over and over again.

I managed to make myself get up and go up the stairs of my parents semi detached house to my room at the back. I open the closet door and reached up to the top shelf. I pulled down the orange box with the silky black ribbon and untied the ribbon for the first time since he left me. I sifted through the photos of my smiley happy best friend, the little objects he'd given me and the little cuddly kitten teddy at the bottom of the box, I pulled out the shiny cd to put it in my CD player and for the first time in 5 years I stopped fighting against the pain that had ripped me apart, and fell asleep to the sound of Eds angelic voice.


	5. Chapter 5

A Broken Faith: Chapter 5

I woke up to Maisie jumping on my bed. I'd slept for 14 hours! I hadn't had any dreams at all, I was used to 2-3 hours sleep a night and waking up sobbing. For once, I felt good, like nothing had ever happened. The smile I have my daughter was genuine.

I grabbed her and pulled her close, resting my head on her curly fiery hair. And for once I thanked Ed for giving me this last present, even if it had been unknowingly.

'how do you feel about feeding the ducks at the park sweetie?'

Her reply was a big hug and grin, I looked into her eyes, so similar to Ed's, and I didn't feel any different, I had a feeling that today everything would change, for the better. After all everything that happens is from now on.

*An hour later*

It was a nice day today, the air was warm and held the promises of a nice summer. My beautiful little girl was running head of me across the bright green grass of the park, her hair a glowing crown of fire. I was excited about the day ahead.

*it was just coming up to summer, me and Ed had decide to go to the local park, he'd just turned 16 a few month ago, I was 3 months younger than him. We were walking along and talking about school, how we couldn't wait to leave, what we wanted to do, Ed wanted to be a train driver but we both knew he could be so much more, he was amazing on the guitar, always writing his own music.

I wasn't sure what I wanted to do, we had this joke that when he was big and famous, he would make me his manager and I would get him all the cool gigs and help him get big roles in films. He was joking, but I knew he could do it if he wanted it, he was always so enthusiastic, got along with anyone, it was rare he was wound up.

We liked going to the park. It was always so quiet, no one barely ever went there. It was different today though, Alice and all her mates were there, sat under the gazebo exactly where we usually sit. They never came here, Ed knew there was tension between us, I'd never done anything wrong but she still hated me, she'd go out of her way to try provoke me or upset me.

Them being in our spot seamed to really upset Ed for some reason. Before I could stop him he'd already gone over. I didn't know what to do so stayed where I was. He was over there for a while before he came back looking flustered.

'What's up?' I asked him.

'they were just saying stuff, really insulting stuff, they're not planning on moving either. Looks like we'll need to find a new spot,' it wasn't until later that I had learned they weren't saying nasty things about him like I had thought, they had been saying them about me, and trying to convince him to ditch me and stay with them. Back then we couldn't be separated for anything.*

I didn't even realise till the memory had finished that I was back in the gazebo overlooking the pond. Even now it didn't spoil my positive outlook. I was happy that I could look back on memories with a smile, even if it only lasts today. I was thrilled seeing my little girl bobbing up and down and throwing chunks of bread to the ducks, I felt so proud, I hadn't smiled so much for 5 years. Although I couldn't help but think of how much I've already missed out on through her life, while grieving over lost love. The thought made me grimace.

I was deep in thought when I felt my phone buzz, I had a message from Amy:

'I no that its been 5 years 2day since he left, but it's time to move on. I no it must be hard 4 u but Maisie needs her mummy back, me & gurls off out 2nyt so txt me back hun, plz come! Xxxx'

It was nice to know that they cared, and it sounded like it might be fun, they were right I had to move on, I hadnt heard nothing from him in 5 years and beside he's a big star now, currently in Australia as part of his world tour or something. Yeah this was exactly the kind of thing I needed, to blow of some steam, let my hair down, to become human again.

'yeaa i'll be there, time, place?' I was just about to reply when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned to see a face I thought I would never see again, and for the second time in this week, I crumbled into darkness...


	6. Chapter 6

A Broken Faith: Chapter 6

I woke up with the the worst pain in my chest I'd ever felt. It was the worst dream I'd had since.. It hurt to even think about it, I couldn't even think his name anymore. I turned to the side and let the tears flow freely down my face, forming a wet patch under my check.

I'd never felt the pain this strong before, yesterday was just numbness and tears, today, a never ending death.

The dream came back to me, Ed at the park, the first day of the rest of my life, the day I'd finally moved on and he'd turned up and pretended nothing had ever happened, that he'd never left without a word to me, to his family to anyone. It had all seamed so real, but how could I have woke up back in bed? Besides, he was on tour, he'd never come back, I had to deal with that.

The sobs began to slow, my breathing becoming more even, the tears slowed but didn't stop. The seconds began to pass as I calmed down. It was then that I became aware of the terrified little girl sat staring at me with wide blue eyes from the end of my bed, and the screams of pure anger leaving my mothers lips downstairs.

I pulled my daughter into my arms and felt the shiver of fear running through her. I'd never seen her like this before. It terrified me!

'it's okay baby, mummies here, I'm never goin to leave you! Shhh.. Calm down its okay' I felt the shakes become less frequent as she settled down. I rested my chin on her head and breathed in the scent so similar to her fathers. She looked at me, her eyelashes spiky from the tears that had fallen down her perfect pale cheeks.

'I thought that you.. you di-didn't l-l- like me anymore and th-th-that you were going to l-l-leave me.. L-l-like my daddy did'

I was completely stunned, where had this come from?! I hadn't gone anywhere, I'd been asleep! Hadnt I?! And she never mentioned her dad before.. Ever! She didn't even who he was!

I struggled to keep my voice soothing and quite, I didn't want to scare her anymore,'Darling, mummy hasn't been any where, there's no reason to be scared, you must have had a bad dream' as I said it I realised it was bright and sunny outside, still warm, the air holding the promises of summer.. Just like in my dream!

I felt as if I'd just been punched in the stomach, I struggled to catch my breath.. I remembered the shouting downstairs..

'Maisie, you wait here okay? Mummy just needs to go talk to grandma and grandad okay? I'll be right back..' I gave it my all to keep my self calm and collected while I was talking to her, she needed some kind of comfort, a 4 year old should never have to go through what she had had to go through.

I managed to walk downstairs calmly, the shouting still continuing, all from my mother, it was like she was talking to herself. How could I be so stupid for actually thinking that I'd seen him? And even if I had, how would he know I still lived at my parents? I hadn't seen him for 5 years?! but more importantly how could I be getting my hopes up that he would still be here now? I needed help.

I still continued toward the sound of my mothers voice. She was in the living room, about a metre in front of the door. As I walked in slowly I became of aware of 3 things, 1 my mother was stood facing the window - on the wall to the left of where I was standing in the doorway - and was stood just infront of my dad who was struggling to hold her back, 2 there were three people in the room and 3 the third person, the one who caught my eye, was stood under the bay window, his deep blue eyes, golden hair and pale skin, just aged more and looking more tired. His familiar smell assaulted my senses even from accross the room.

I suddenly felt 16 and care free again, reunited with my best friend in the whole world. But that's not who I was now, who I would never be again.

I was suddenly overcome with the need to sit down, when I hear his beautiful angelic voice say, 'long time no see.'

I was already dangerously unbalanced and this made me snap, how dare he, how fucking dare he?! I was suddenly aware of the tears pouring down my cheeks and the curses streaming from my lips. My dad was struggling to hold me back, but I managed to slip his grasp. My fists were hitting hard against Ed's chest hard enough to force him back a few steps, each second passing, I was getting more hysterical, he grabbed me and pulled me into him tightly, I struggled to pull free, but his scent, the way he touched me, the way he looked into my eyes brought back so much of the memories, my knees went weak so that the only thing stopping me falling to the floor was his arms around me. I could no longer control the tears flowing from my eyes.

I could feel his head resting on mine, his tears dripping onto my scalp. I couldn't tell if my mum and dad were still in the room or not, nothing else mattered but his touch, his smell, the way I felt more safe in his arms than I should after everything that had happened, those were the last thoughts I had before I tipped over the edge...


End file.
